Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
ttyl tear gas
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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