Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
