I faked an abortion last night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
