dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
