two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
