Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
false alarm. still invincible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
