and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
