You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
