I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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