I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
