My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
