She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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