I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
