Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
