No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
