we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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