Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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