Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
