why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
