i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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