omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
