Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm like, not good at living.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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