Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
