So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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