Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sext me about skeletons
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
