I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Vodka?
Forever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
