I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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