There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
