drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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