I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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