maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
