The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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