I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
