I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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