Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
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