I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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