talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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