If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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