i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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