marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
