tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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