i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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