So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
