It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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