just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
