Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
