The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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