i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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