Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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