youre lurking in front of me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
