Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize