I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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