I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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