Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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