i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
