I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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