We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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