I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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